A Buddhist monk says to the hot dog vender “make me one with everything.” The hot dog vender hands the monk a dog with the works and says “two dollars.” The monk takes the dog and hands him a twenty-dollar bill. The hot dog vender takes the twenty, folds it and puts it in his pocket. The he turns to the next customer. After a moment, the monk says “Hey, what about my change?” The hot dog vender says, “Ahhhhh, change must come from within.” This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem, I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "Well what do they say?" the priest asked. "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day the lady brings the two parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady put her female parrots in the cage with the male parrots and the female parrots said "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put your bible away Sam, our prayers have been answered!" A man enters confessional. “Forgive me Father for I have sinned.” “Yes, my son. Tell me.” Comes the voice from the dark. “Well, father. I’m a 78 year old man. I haven’t made love with my wife in almost 20 years. And yesterday I had amazing sex all night with a 22 year old woman.” “That’s indeed a serious sin,” replies the priest. “Youl’ll need to say 50 ‘Our fathers’ and 50 ‘Hail Marys’.” “I’m sorry, father. I can’t do that.” “Why not?” “Because I’m Jewish.” “You’re Jewish?! So why are you telling me about this?” “Are you kidding?” replies the man excitedly. “I’m telling everyone!” If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, her name could be Oprah Choprah. A man enters a strict monestary high in the mountains. He’s only allowed to say two words to the teacher each five years. The first year he meets with the master. “Yes? You’ve been silent one year since entering. What do you wish to say?” “It’s cold.” Five years pass. At the second meeting the master says “Yes? Five years have passed. What do you wish to say?” “I’m hungry.” Five more years pass. At the third meeting the master asks again “five more years have passed. What do you wish to say.” “I quit,” says the disciple. “Good,” says the master. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”      How do you get two old ladies to say ‘shit’? - Get a third one to say ‘Bingo!’ Why didn’t the Zen Monk vacuum clean underneath the bed? - He had no attachments. How many Iyengar yogis does it take to change a light bulb? - One, but they’ll need a block, a bolster, a strap, a backless chair, three blankets and an eye pillow.